Lack of ____

I know, for certain, that I'm not the kindest person in the world.
I know, I can be a rreeaall bitch. And I'm usually not going to be that way without good reason. I'm the type of person that's going to tell you straight out - what I think about you, this - that, or the other thing.
Honestly, I really don't care if it makes you sad or upset. Esp. if your going to ask me for advice, do NOT get pissed at me for what I say.
If your gonna be a dick about what I say, then don't fucking ask.

Lol - Dumbass'.

I have a gift of pissing people off though :) I have found this out, this past month. Evidentally I'm really good at it too!
It's happened with a few of my friends too - and all but one of them, made up and such. REAL friends of mine can handle my unique personalities. Heh.
Oh well -
Hey ... it's the world - it sucks. People suck, get over it! For the love of Goddess -.- tsh.

Moving on.
Christmas was nice - I had to listen to a few people vent about how badly theirs was. Which made the day kinda suck after that.
I got a few gifts from some really great friends :) in the mail, of course. Thanks guys!
Yesterday there was a family xmas party at my house, and usually it REALLY sucks. But this year it wasn't that bad. I played a bit of Apples to Apples (fun game, second time I've EVER played it) and opened gifts, sat around, ect.
I got the chair I really wanted (I was using a crappy wooden one before, that was dieing on me) and a laptop desk that tilts (this will hopefully help my neck problems!) and a new cell phone - something I've really needed. It's really great - even though, no one calls me, my friend Javier texts me all the time - it's nice to have someone that cares enough to stay intouch through the day >.<

Wake Up.

As it's been a good many months since my last posting, and I've suddenly felt the overwhelming urge, to vent my feelings someplace where people wont openly mock me the whole day; I've decided to come back here...and express myself.

Back in July, 2009, I broke up with my boyfriend (now, ex.). Something I have never wanted to do in my life, was to fall in love and then fall out of love...
I blame the months of non-communication. I blame the distance, that was between us. I blame myself, for needing...more...
Is it really possible to be THAT selfish? Or...Is it not selfishness? I have no word for it other than that.
I now, find myself in a relationship again. After telling myself, countless times, that I would not go into a long distance relationship again. I cannot handle the distance, and what's worse, is the everyday life he lives - and I cannot be there to see what goes on in his life. The people. This drives me insane...

Already my mind is working against me. Telling me not to go through with this relationship. Why? It's hard...It's hard for me, and I don't think I'm strong enough to go through with this again. Not in this way...but everyone says, I can do it...just try it...things will work out in the end.
How can people be so sure, though?
How can they know if that's to happen? I feel lost within myself all the time. I ask myself, over and over again..."What's wrong with you...? Why can't you just...be slightly normal."
Normal is boring...over-rated. I don't want to be normal. But I want to at least fit in somewhere...
I find no one to take me in, and talk with me, hang out, and such. Not in my area anyway. All friends...all...people I know well, and they know me well, are way out of reach for me.
I hate distance, I hate it.

I'm split in two here ...

I've found, lately, that my Dreams are better than this Reality.
By far, my Dreams are better than any part of life I've lived thus far. I would be happier to stay asleep, for the rest of my days. Dreaming to my hearts content...
But...We all have to wake up eventually.

I'm not much good at writing...or venting...but, it's faster to type how I feel, rather than write it. And esp. where peering eyes wont see it much.
But I do hope...man I do hope, that life will do a 360 for me, and turn me on the right path, giving me a poke to go - and get a start.
I want nothing more than to be happy for the rest of my days, with someone I love and will love forever, and always.