Lack of ____

I know, for certain, that I'm not the kindest person in the world.
I know, I can be a rreeaall bitch. And I'm usually not going to be that way without good reason. I'm the type of person that's going to tell you straight out - what I think about you, this - that, or the other thing.
Honestly, I really don't care if it makes you sad or upset. Esp. if your going to ask me for advice, do NOT get pissed at me for what I say.
If your gonna be a dick about what I say, then don't fucking ask.

Lol - Dumbass'.

I have a gift of pissing people off though :) I have found this out, this past month. Evidentally I'm really good at it too!
It's happened with a few of my friends too - and all but one of them, made up and such. REAL friends of mine can handle my unique personalities. Heh.
Oh well -
Hey ... it's the world - it sucks. People suck, get over it! For the love of Goddess -.- tsh.

Moving on.
Christmas was nice - I had to listen to a few people vent about how badly theirs was. Which made the day kinda suck after that.
I got a few gifts from some really great friends :) in the mail, of course. Thanks guys!
Yesterday there was a family xmas party at my house, and usually it REALLY sucks. But this year it wasn't that bad. I played a bit of Apples to Apples (fun game, second time I've EVER played it) and opened gifts, sat around, ect.
I got the chair I really wanted (I was using a crappy wooden one before, that was dieing on me) and a laptop desk that tilts (this will hopefully help my neck problems!) and a new cell phone - something I've really needed. It's really great - even though, no one calls me, my friend Javier texts me all the time - it's nice to have someone that cares enough to stay intouch through the day >.<

Wake Up.

As it's been a good many months since my last posting, and I've suddenly felt the overwhelming urge, to vent my feelings someplace where people wont openly mock me the whole day; I've decided to come back here...and express myself.

Back in July, 2009, I broke up with my boyfriend (now, ex.). Something I have never wanted to do in my life, was to fall in love and then fall out of love...
I blame the months of non-communication. I blame the distance, that was between us. I blame myself, for needing...more...
Is it really possible to be THAT selfish? Or...Is it not selfishness? I have no word for it other than that.
I now, find myself in a relationship again. After telling myself, countless times, that I would not go into a long distance relationship again. I cannot handle the distance, and what's worse, is the everyday life he lives - and I cannot be there to see what goes on in his life. The people. This drives me insane...

Already my mind is working against me. Telling me not to go through with this relationship. Why? It's hard...It's hard for me, and I don't think I'm strong enough to go through with this again. Not in this way...but everyone says, I can do it...just try it...things will work out in the end.
How can people be so sure, though?
How can they know if that's to happen? I feel lost within myself all the time. I ask myself, over and over again..."What's wrong with you...? Why can't you just...be slightly normal."
Normal is boring...over-rated. I don't want to be normal. But I want to at least fit in somewhere...
I find no one to take me in, and talk with me, hang out, and such. Not in my area anyway. All friends...all...people I know well, and they know me well, are way out of reach for me.
I hate distance, I hate it.

I'm split in two here ...

I've found, lately, that my Dreams are better than this Reality.
By far, my Dreams are better than any part of life I've lived thus far. I would be happier to stay asleep, for the rest of my days. Dreaming to my hearts content...
But...We all have to wake up eventually.

I'm not much good at writing...or venting...but, it's faster to type how I feel, rather than write it. And esp. where peering eyes wont see it much.
But I do hope...man I do hope, that life will do a 360 for me, and turn me on the right path, giving me a poke to go - and get a start.
I want nothing more than to be happy for the rest of my days, with someone I love and will love forever, and always.

Alone and Forgotten

"Dear Darkness" - How many of my thoughts start out lately.
Im slowly and painfully still working my way out of this depressing that still keeps a firm hold on me. Fighting to stay away from anything that may cause it to grow worse. Also, trying to think less, and do more without drifting away to my own little world. This has proven extreamly difficult, and to keep from doing so, I try to keep myself busy with various things.
Ive started reading again, which is helpful. Thank goodnezz.

I miss talking to certain close friend of mine ...
Still no internet, and doesn't bother to call, or text, anymore.
*Sigh*
No one understands how I feel, or what I am going through. They all shake there heads and regard me with a "oh brother, get over it!".
...
He's the only person who understands me more than anyone else, and he never turns me away. Always listens to me rant, vent and go on and on about nothing at all.
Tho he doesn't say much, sometimes im thankful he listens.
I do miss him.
At the same time ...
Im angry with him...

I feel forgotten by everyone. Lost in the Darkness that overwhelms me and my thoughts. Dragging my down farther and farther into the depression - sinking into the never ending depths - to the Abyss I go ... heh.

Things will get better ... wont they?
I wish ... I wish to have someone near ... to help take my thoughts else where and keep my feet planted firmly on the ground - not to let my mind wander and keep me from sinking.



Help me...

Roots of Love?

I just finished up watching the Manga series Vampire Knight.
It's my absalute favorite Manga ever!
Well, I watched all episodes of season 1 and 2, and now, im depressed.
Isn't it funny ... how you can love something sooo much, and hate it at the same time?
Things like Vampire Knight, have me soo caught up in it, that I never want to stop reading (or in this case, watching) to see what happens next. Ive thought today, that perhaps (and this will sound silly) im jelious of characters who do not and cannot excist...Funny,eh?
Well - Love, I guess, is a powerful thing. Just wish that I could have something close to that of what Yuuki (in Vampire Knight) has... ^-^; Heh...Heh...

DOOM!

Maybe someday I will have something like that. Time will tell...



It use to make me angery, seeing couples together. Watching them embrace one another, laughing together, and all that. Anger ... hmm, Jelious.
I still feel that way sometimes, tho im trying to teach myself not to feel that way towards them. Tho im in a relationship at the time, it's difficult. Complicated and just plain difficult.
I cannot do any of the above with him ^-^ simply because he's not close enough. Never will be.
I don't know how much longer I can take this pain - the distance is too much and people around me suffer because im so depressed a good part of the time.
I need to change.
If not for me, for everyone else.

<3