Steampunk

I'm still here, yea.

No - I am not feeling any better. Still quite depressed but not so bad today ... don't know why though. Perhaps it's because I didn't have any school work (Saturdays are awesome) and I stayed home instead of going to my cousins house for 7 hours or so, to do nothing but sit and think...thinking is bad for me, really.

I have killer neck pain though. I do know it's from being infront of my computer for long periods of time. But because I have laptops, I'm looking down slightly, which stresses my neck. I also think maybe it has to do with daily stress in my life. Don't know for sure.

I know a lot of people probably have it a lot harder than I do (life wise and school wise) but, everyone is different. Some people can deal with a lot of stuff, and not be the least bit stressed out about it. Others (such as myself) get stressed quite easily.

I haven't been sleeping well lately either, which puts a strain on me during the day.

Had a strange dream the other night too, which bothers me. I wont talk about it though, because I know people will find it a silly dream to worry over, but it makes me kinda sad.

Anyway...
Steampunk Keys (necklaces)....WOW. I love these necklaces - they are so bloody awesome.

I think, that once I get myself a job and start getting things done, I'll get one of these off the person that is making them. They are absolutelyamazing.

This person, on DeviantArt, called Drayok makes them. The one above is called "Moon Key" and then the one bellow is called "Time-Travel Key".

If I were to get one, it'd be one of these two I reckon.

They are really neat.
JUST thought I'd mention them...I have a new obsession with wings lately...maybe that's why I like them so much. Eh.

I've made a goal for myself, that I HOPE to Goddess that I can keep.

By this summer, I really want to get myself into ship-shape and slimmed down...WAY down.

I know people say I look fine, that I don't need to change myself just because I think other people wont accept me. It's not just that ... I HATE my body. I feel trapped in it and that's another reason why I think I'm down a lot ... I down myself for how I look.

I really just want to do this by this summer though, before the guy I like comes or I go by him ... I don't know. But he's been talking about coming to see me soon and it scares me because - if I don't like the way I look (not trying to make people say I look good or anything, I am serious...) what if he thinks the same way.

*#%)(@73-598273-985723-9867230958a0(*()#(&)$~!!!!

Maybe I'll set the goal for this spring....I need to get to work then.

But yea...I sometimes wonder if things will work out long enough to last till spring or summer, even. With him and I, I mean.

I understand he works during the day, and then sleeps and then personal things and more sleep. But, I haven't heard from him in nearly a week. I've finally decided I'm going to stop trying to talk to him and just wait for him to talk to me.

*mumbles*

I.Have.Issues.With.My.Life.

Lovely Bones

I don't think I've ever cried during a movie like this. Usually it's only when an animal dies or something like that (HUGE heart for animals) but ... I couldn't stop the tears.

I don't know what exactally it was about this movie, but it was beautiful.

Your only here for a moment, and then - your gone.

People always try to tell me to enjoy the little things in life. If we are here, living on earth, we mine as well enjoy it while we last. I think this movie helps to show that we all need to take in and really enjoy the little things, and that the world is beautiful. You just know how to look at it, I suppose.

It's also a leason of being cautious about things. Such as, the people in this world. Not everyone is going to be nice. Some people, will act it, but it's like it's a mask - to lure you into something and then ... your trapped. The sad part is, some people will do this just for self pleasure. They don't care what happens to you. It only takes one time, and it's over.

Quite sad...

I don't like my life. I don't like the hard things I deal with in life. It's hard ... and the world, to me, appears dark and unfriendly.

I know that trying to see the world as a beautiful place wont happen over night, or in a day, week, maybe not even a month. But I know, that if I work at it, I can see the world and everything else, better and more beautiful.

That doesn't go to say that it will be easy. I know I'll have my ups and my downs, but in the end, I want to achieve this ... before I go.

Who knows when that will be though. Life is here, and now - then it's over, and ... where do we go after that? What's the place like where we go?

I'm afraid of where I'll go. Why? I was brought up to believe in Heaven and Hell.

What if my lure to the Demonic things, leads me to Hell? What if my hesitance towards God, doesn't allow me the right to Heaven?

Do we actually go anywhere when we die? I'd like to think so.

Anyway - "The Lovely Bones" is a movie about a 14 year old girl, who is walking home from a meet of sorts, and is taking the usual short cut across a corn field, when her neighbor (a older man) stops her to see if she might take a look at something he's made.

{I wont go into detail}

But he kills her.

The movie tends to go back and forth, between the present and past and the inbetween.

A beautiful movie.

I don't think it's quite as good as Avatar ... but I am going to rank it one of my favorited seen movies of 2010.

I cheated and watched it on http://www.watch-movies-online.tv/ but it was still good.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

In other news, I finally got to talk to the guy I like today. For the first time in 3 days.

I'm sad that I don't get to talk to him more often, but ... such is life, I guess.

He's been planning out to come and see me. This news made my day, but it makes me really nervous all the same.

I've the same thoughts always running through my head when it comes to a friend of mine, from far away, wanting to come see me [for the first time!].

I am so afraid that he wont like me once he's met me.

I am a strong believer that, it doesn't take looks to have a relationship - and I tell this to people all the time. I personally, don't pay much notice to peoples appearance when it comes to that.

I really care about personality and such.

But when it comes to taking my own advice ... I don't see it so easily. How can I when I don't know if he thinks the same way, even if he says he does.

Silly.

This Feeling...

I hate the overwhelming feeling of loneliness that I get every so often...I was doing so good for the past few weeks, and all of a sudden...I feel so drained, of life and happiness that, it's killing me, inside.
I don't want this.
I don't like this.

I found love again, I think.
Of course, the sacrifice to this love is the distance. Why do I always find love at a distance? It sucks in a way.
You can't be close to eachother. Comfort eachother. Kiss?
Things I've never had before, are constantally in my face - taunting me; "Ha-Ha! You can't have this! Your not fortunate enough, too bad for you!"

...........

I'm certain a lot of people go through this but...why. It's terrible.
I'm not doing this for attention, why would I?
Something as serious as love and affection shouldn't be taken lightly, or messed with.
It's.....beautiful.


I went to the doctor a few days ago - for one of those lame check-ups that your insurance holders badger you about to do every so often.
So I went.
Honestly, I've never gone to the doctors alone - Been terribly afraid of them my whole life. It's the smell, and I worry about things that I cannot control.
But after being in the room, waiting for the doctor to come in, I felt totally at ease...I was amazed at how calm I felt.
But I was showered in that mmm'...lonely, empty feeling. Then I just, I felt like my soul left my body and I was just...there.
I didn't care anymore.
It bothered me though, that the doctor (male) was making me feel totally uncomfortable though. I felt like I was being 'examind' by a creepy older man, who was only interested in young girls.
The staring, the much unneeded touching, and the talk...why in the world do you need to know why I don't have friends in my area?
Why does it matter that I go to school online and not in the public school?
You don't know me...Don't ask me questions like you do...Certainly don't touch me like you do. Even though you are a doctor, you are pushing the limits to the line.

The whole check-up probably only took...15 minutes, at the most. But it felt longer ... and the whole while I was just thinking about this person, and how I desperately wished he was there.
Yea...He.

After checking to see if I was okay, physically, the doctor stared talking to me about my life and such.
I must say, I dislike it when people stare at me (people I don't know) and he did it...a lot. Due to my ... issue (?) with eyecontact ... I looked away the entire time, even to answer him.
I have issues, maybe this lonely feeling is just one of my issues.



What do we live for...Why.
No one can see the future, so how do you know what your living for...is going to happy, or continue to happen.
What's the point?