I just wanted to make quick note that I've been given up on by one of my friends. I'm surprisingly OK. I mean, I'm sad it had to happen, yeah, but it happened and I think it was pretty much inevitable.
I don't blame him either. I'd be really pissed and want to be done with me too after all that's gone down. I just hoped that it didn't have to come down to this. But, I'll get through it and everythings going to be okay.
I'm looking back and moving ahead.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
It's just too much!
[[Oh sweet darkness...how you've hung around today]]Two venting blog posts in one day?! Omfg.
Alrighty. So I'm SLIGHTLY better, but a far cry from being fine. I'm really sad that no one is taking my feelings into perspective. Everyone goes at eachother (whether it's to each other, or through me) and it doesn't even seem like they care about how this is going to effect me. :(
I'm not mad at anyone. I'm just really sad, stressed and scared.
I'm afraid of loosing a friend. Afraid of loosing someone I love. Stressed over all this ... all this fucking bull shit. God damn I'm sick of this shit >:/
I wanna get away from it all.
I'm going to take the advice I got a week or so ago, and think of what's best for myself before I go around and make sure everyone else is okay. I've never thought of what's truely best for myself, before I made sure someone else was okay with whatever problem they had. Seeing as no one else cares anyway - or seems to - I mine as well watch over myself :/
But yeah...I have feelings too...
Torn
For the past 2 weeks or so, there has been nothing but drama.
What kind of drama? Put it this way - it involves me and 2 guys. Yep.
Today, I just thought of how well this situation is alike for Bella, in Twilight. I know it's silly to compair something to something that's not really (and Twilight amongst other things!) but it just suddenly occured to me that it did.
Both Edward and Jacob love her, and she loves them too - except her love for Jacob was more of the love for a brother or something I think she said in the book. I guess that's kinda how I feel right now...I think. So many things going through my head right now.
I don't want either of them mad at me for what I choose to do, or hate me even.
Why is it so wrong for me to talk to them both? Can't either of them accept it. That this is who I am and I talk to anyone who's my friend?
I'm -in love- with one of'm, and my heart stays true to that. But am I not allowed to talk to the other friend? It just makes me sad...I'm trying to trust people here, so that things can work out. Then I'm trying to be myself, and stay commited to one person, so that they can trust me back.
I just hate when people are mad at me for being myself. I can't help it. If my friend wants to talk to me and the other friend gets mad, then wheres the trust here? :(
I just want to be happy. And them to be happy to.
If that means not talking to either of them again because that's what they choose, then I hope they're happy. Even if it'll kill me.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Dreams
Before I got confirmed (as in, the whole Catholic...or Christian religion thing [idk, one of those]) I was having all sorts of dreams about being dragged to Hell and the devil being around me and being tormented by Demons.
Afterwards though, the dreams stopped. I never wanted to get confirmed but whatever. Anyway, they started again, last night. Demons forcing kittens to drown themselves in toilet water. I don't understand but I sawr a kitten drown itself, then start walking around again. Scariest thing I've seen in a while.
Being tormented by Demons is scary. Even if it's just in your dreams. If you don't believe in Demons, or don't think that these are Demons doing this to me, well fuck off then. This is what I believe 'n shit. It's scary as hell and sigh.
I'm Agnostic. There might be a God or Goddess. Then again, maybe there isn't. Who knows.
Afterwards though, the dreams stopped. I never wanted to get confirmed but whatever. Anyway, they started again, last night. Demons forcing kittens to drown themselves in toilet water. I don't understand but I sawr a kitten drown itself, then start walking around again. Scariest thing I've seen in a while.
Being tormented by Demons is scary. Even if it's just in your dreams. If you don't believe in Demons, or don't think that these are Demons doing this to me, well fuck off then. This is what I believe 'n shit. It's scary as hell and sigh.
I'm Agnostic. There might be a God or Goddess. Then again, maybe there isn't. Who knows.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Move On...
Lets see..
As of June 6th, I've no boyfriend anymore. It was really hard for a while, and it still is. I'm so attached to him yet and it hurts like crazy knowing things probably wont be the same between us again. :( And I'm trying to push myself to move on...it's been really hard and I'm still not over him. Thankfully though, we're still the best of friends and I will forever love him as a really really good friend. :) As will I be there for him whenever he needs me for whatever reason. <3
My jaw is doing OK. I have my days where I can hardly stand the pins and needles feeling in my chin that's caused by the nerves trying to work again. But, I get through it. Eating has become a bit easier, which is kinda nice.
What else is there to say....I feel like my energy is being drained lately, and I don't really DO anything....and I feel like shit, like I'm emotionaly unstable and am going to crack at anytime. Ergh.
My birthday is on Saturday (the 26th) and I don't know what I'll be doing. I just happened to remember just yesterday. I don't even know what I want. Well...I know what I WANT but I don't know what I want that I can HAVE. :/ I don't see myself having a very nice birthday this year. I don't know what I'll even be doing. Probably nothing, how fun. Hell, I can't even really have cake :( I mean, I could but it's difficult to eat at any rate, so it's something I'd have to eat in private as to not make a total fool of myself.
Sigh....Right now, I just want to be left alone and relax all day, somewhere by myself. Me and a good book. Ahh, yes.
I wish all the guys that are hitting on me or being over nice to get me to like them, would lay the fuck off. I'm NOT interested in anyone who's flirting like crazy with every girl he lays his eyes on and then goes for me. Nor am I interested in someone who's going to be all super nice and shit. I mean, I like niceness, but - whatever. I'm not interested in anyone right now; I still can't get over someone and I probably wont for a while. Just leave me alone :/ don't touch me, don't flirt with me, don't nothing. Go away and mess with someone else.
As of June 6th, I've no boyfriend anymore. It was really hard for a while, and it still is. I'm so attached to him yet and it hurts like crazy knowing things probably wont be the same between us again. :( And I'm trying to push myself to move on...it's been really hard and I'm still not over him. Thankfully though, we're still the best of friends and I will forever love him as a really really good friend. :) As will I be there for him whenever he needs me for whatever reason. <3
My jaw is doing OK. I have my days where I can hardly stand the pins and needles feeling in my chin that's caused by the nerves trying to work again. But, I get through it. Eating has become a bit easier, which is kinda nice.
What else is there to say....I feel like my energy is being drained lately, and I don't really DO anything....and I feel like shit, like I'm emotionaly unstable and am going to crack at anytime. Ergh.
My birthday is on Saturday (the 26th) and I don't know what I'll be doing. I just happened to remember just yesterday. I don't even know what I want. Well...I know what I WANT but I don't know what I want that I can HAVE. :/ I don't see myself having a very nice birthday this year. I don't know what I'll even be doing. Probably nothing, how fun. Hell, I can't even really have cake :( I mean, I could but it's difficult to eat at any rate, so it's something I'd have to eat in private as to not make a total fool of myself.
Sigh....Right now, I just want to be left alone and relax all day, somewhere by myself. Me and a good book. Ahh, yes.
I wish all the guys that are hitting on me or being over nice to get me to like them, would lay the fuck off. I'm NOT interested in anyone who's flirting like crazy with every girl he lays his eyes on and then goes for me. Nor am I interested in someone who's going to be all super nice and shit. I mean, I like niceness, but - whatever. I'm not interested in anyone right now; I still can't get over someone and I probably wont for a while. Just leave me alone :/ don't touch me, don't flirt with me, don't nothing. Go away and mess with someone else.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Suffering
I'm still happy. I mean, I have my moments where I'm not so happy at all and such, but all in all, I'm still pretty happy. I don't see my relationship getting too far this summer. Summer = Guys + Girls = Flirting = Dating. Love is in the air....mmm'.
I love my boyfriend, I really do. But, we discussed what either of us would do if someone asked us out in real life/in person. Of course I'd say I was already taken :/ I want a relationship with someone who lives near me, yeah. But I wouldn't go ahead and dump him just because someone who lives near me asked me out. That's not fair. He said he would though, probably.
I'm not surprised...but I...mer.
Surgery went okay. My face hurts every now and then. Esp. in the morning. Hanging in there though. Worst part is I'm not allowed to eat anything other than liquid foods for 6 weeks and summer is a time where everyone has they're cook outs/bbq's and stuff. And I get....yogurt, or something. It's torture. I am craving pizza, asparagas rosotto, tacos, spaghetti, rice c.c arghhh *tummy growls* D:
I love my boyfriend, I really do. But, we discussed what either of us would do if someone asked us out in real life/in person. Of course I'd say I was already taken :/ I want a relationship with someone who lives near me, yeah. But I wouldn't go ahead and dump him just because someone who lives near me asked me out. That's not fair. He said he would though, probably.
I'm not surprised...but I...mer.
Surgery went okay. My face hurts every now and then. Esp. in the morning. Hanging in there though. Worst part is I'm not allowed to eat anything other than liquid foods for 6 weeks and summer is a time where everyone has they're cook outs/bbq's and stuff. And I get....yogurt, or something. It's torture. I am craving pizza, asparagas rosotto, tacos, spaghetti, rice c.c arghhh *tummy growls* D:
Monday, May 10, 2010
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