Give Yourself to Darkness

I really never actually gave much thought to how I would die. Really.
To be perfectly honest, I've thought of suicide plenty of times - thought of it seriously - since I was around 15 years old, give or take.

Today only have I really started to think of what way I would prefer to die...
I really don't want to die of old age. I can't even imagine myself living past the age of 25-30.
I cannot imagine myself happy!
What good is life when your depressed all the time? What good is it when there is only one time a week or a month, even, when you actually feel happy!?
I try and try to tell myself to enjoy the little things in life, and to live in the moment. But, try as I may, it never really works.

I'm broken, inside and out. And no one can fix me.

Hypothermia.
Curious. I wonder just how long it would take for you to actually die from hypothermia.
Icey cold, December weather. Freezing waters. No one around for miles.
You just need to get in for a few minutes, and get out. That's all it takes.
Then it starts.
The shivers that in time, become violent. Feeling dizzy, and staggering on your feet. Not able to think clearly.
Time passes, walking becomes nearly impossible and you just simply...shut down.
Your just going to rest a minute - to catch your breath. Maybe, just close your eyes, just a moment. Your so tired, but the shivering finally stopped, making it easier to relax and to close your eyes for a moment.
And...that's it.
It wouldn't be pleasant, but in the end, it would be peaceful enough.

I told myself there were things I wanted to do before I died. So many things ... they seem so impossible and far away now. Never going to be able to come true and it's something I'll never feel.

I don't like to cry.

Valentines Day

I really never have liked Valentines Day...
Reason being is, I've never had a reason to like it. I've been in 1 relationship that was over Valentines Day - but it was (of couse) a long-distance relationship and I hadn't heard from him in a while (due to him not having internet. *wips out pen, paper and envelope!* That's how we stayed in touch).
So, even then it was just about the same as any other Valentines Day.

It's pretty much just like any other day - but anywhere you go, theres an overwhelming amount of hearts and colors of pink and red all over the place....and chocolate. BAH!
Then (worst part) you get to see all the couples around, being extra lovey-dovey.
Anytime I see that though, it makes me feel really sad. I feel sooo alone - I worry about what I'm going to do with my life once I am able to move out on my own 'n such.
I know that I wont be able to live alone forever.
Just because I don't like people too much, doesn't mean I don't not like all people. I love my friends - and I like them.
I just keep wondering if I will ever find the right person for me, that actually lives BY ME!

Kaleb Nation on Youtube - made a video that's called "Valentines Day is stupid (when your single) MUSIC VIDEO"
True story - it is stupid when your single.
YUP!!! I-Am-Single. I fail at life sooo badly, ah well.

On the bright side - my internet kept failing on me yesterday and today - but it's working now. It's good to have an uncle around who is really good at fixing things!!
I also got some new books the other day. They are called "Night World" by L.J. Smith.
VAMPIRES! <3
But yea, I got number 1&2 for now. I have, so far, successfully refrained from reading them. Because I know if I start to read, and it's really good, I cannot get myself to stop - seriously. Even if I'm dead tired, I can't stop.
I've got to go to the hospital on Tuesday to get an injection of this ... dye stuff that will highlight bones in a certain area, that aren't done growing yet. So, I am going to bring the book with me then to read - because I guess I have to be there at 8 to get the injection and then wait till 11 to get the x-ray thing.
"OmG! Why are you getting this done!?"
I need jaw surgery - and the only way I can get it is if this one bone in my jaw is done growing - otherwise I have to wait it out ... and that could be years from now ... and then I would have to pay for it myself.
I really hope it's done now though, because the insurance my biological father has, will cover the $30,000 surgery.... (Yea, that was my reaction too).
So if I had to pay for that myself years from now....HA HA HA!!!

That's all for now, oh....Happy Pancake Day!