The Home Stretch

I just wanted to make quick note that I've been given up on by one of my friends. I'm surprisingly OK. I mean, I'm sad it had to happen, yeah, but it happened and I think it was pretty much inevitable.
I don't blame him either. I'd be really pissed and want to be done with me too after all that's gone down. I just hoped that it didn't have to come down to this. But, I'll get through it and everythings going to be okay.

I'm looking back and moving ahead.

It's just too much!

[[Oh sweet darkness...how you've hung around today]]

Two venting blog posts in one day?! Omfg.
Alrighty. So I'm SLIGHTLY better, but a far cry from being fine. I'm really sad that no one is taking my feelings into perspective. Everyone goes at eachother (whether it's to each other, or through me) and it doesn't even seem like they care about how this is going to effect me. :(

I'm not mad at anyone. I'm just really sad, stressed and scared.
I'm afraid of loosing a friend. Afraid of loosing someone I love. Stressed over all this ... all this fucking bull shit. God damn I'm sick of this shit >:/

I wanna get away from it all.
I'm going to take the advice I got a week or so ago, and think of what's best for myself before I go around and make sure everyone else is okay. I've never thought of what's truely best for myself, before I made sure someone else was okay with whatever problem they had. Seeing as no one else cares anyway - or seems to - I mine as well watch over myself :/

But yeah...I have feelings too...

Torn

For the past 2 weeks or so, there has been nothing but drama.

What kind of drama? Put it this way - it involves me and 2 guys. Yep.

Today, I just thought of how well this situation is alike for Bella, in Twilight. I know it's silly to compair something to something that's not really (and Twilight amongst other things!) but it just suddenly occured to me that it did.

Both Edward and Jacob love her, and she loves them too - except her love for Jacob was more of the love for a brother or something I think she said in the book. I guess that's kinda how I feel right now...I think. So many things going through my head right now.

I don't want either of them mad at me for what I choose to do, or hate me even.

Why is it so wrong for me to talk to them both? Can't either of them accept it. That this is who I am and I talk to anyone who's my friend?

I'm -in love- with one of'm, and my heart stays true to that. But am I not allowed to talk to the other friend? It just makes me sad...I'm trying to trust people here, so that things can work out. Then I'm trying to be myself, and stay commited to one person, so that they can trust me back.

I just hate when people are mad at me for being myself. I can't help it. If my friend wants to talk to me and the other friend gets mad, then wheres the trust here? :(

I just want to be happy. And them to be happy to.

If that means not talking to either of them again because that's what they choose, then I hope they're happy. Even if it'll kill me.

Dreams

Before I got confirmed (as in, the whole Catholic...or Christian religion thing [idk, one of those]) I was having all sorts of dreams about being dragged to Hell and the devil being around me and being tormented by Demons.
Afterwards though, the dreams stopped. I never wanted to get confirmed but whatever. Anyway, they started again, last night. Demons forcing kittens to drown themselves in toilet water. I don't understand but I sawr a kitten drown itself, then start walking around again. Scariest thing I've seen in a while.
Being tormented by Demons is scary. Even if it's just in your dreams. If you don't believe in Demons, or don't think that these are Demons doing this to me, well fuck off then. This is what I believe 'n shit. It's scary as hell and sigh.

I'm Agnostic. There might be a God or Goddess. Then again, maybe there isn't. Who knows.

Move On...

Lets see..
As of June 6th, I've no boyfriend anymore. It was really hard for a while, and it still is. I'm so attached to him yet and it hurts like crazy knowing things probably wont be the same between us again. :( And I'm trying to push myself to move on...it's been really hard and I'm still not over him. Thankfully though, we're still the best of friends and I will forever love him as a really really good friend. :) As will I be there for him whenever he needs me for whatever reason. <3

My jaw is doing OK. I have my days where I can hardly stand the pins and needles feeling in my chin that's caused by the nerves trying to work again. But, I get through it. Eating has become a bit easier, which is kinda nice.

What else is there to say....I feel like my energy is being drained lately, and I don't really DO anything....and I feel like shit, like I'm emotionaly unstable and am going to crack at anytime. Ergh.

My birthday is on Saturday (the 26th) and I don't know what I'll be doing. I just happened to remember just yesterday. I don't even know what I want. Well...I know what I WANT but I don't know what I want that I can HAVE. :/ I don't see myself having a very nice birthday this year. I don't know what I'll even be doing. Probably nothing, how fun. Hell, I can't even really have cake :( I mean, I could but it's difficult to eat at any rate, so it's something I'd have to eat in private as to not make a total fool of myself.
Sigh....Right now, I just want to be left alone and relax all day, somewhere by myself. Me and a good book. Ahh, yes.

I wish all the guys that are hitting on me or being over nice to get me to like them, would lay the fuck off. I'm NOT interested in anyone who's flirting like crazy with every girl he lays his eyes on and then goes for me. Nor am I interested in someone who's going to be all super nice and shit. I mean, I like niceness, but - whatever. I'm not interested in anyone right now; I still can't get over someone and I probably wont for a while. Just leave me alone :/ don't touch me, don't flirt with me, don't nothing. Go away and mess with someone else.

Suffering

I'm still happy. I mean, I have my moments where I'm not so happy at all and such, but all in all, I'm still pretty happy. I don't see my relationship getting too far this summer. Summer = Guys + Girls = Flirting = Dating. Love is in the air....mmm'.
I love my boyfriend, I really do. But, we discussed what either of us would do if someone asked us out in real life/in person. Of course I'd say I was already taken :/ I want a relationship with someone who lives near me, yeah. But I wouldn't go ahead and dump him just because someone who lives near me asked me out. That's not fair. He said he would though, probably.
I'm not surprised...but I...mer.

Surgery went okay. My face hurts every now and then. Esp. in the morning. Hanging in there though. Worst part is I'm not allowed to eat anything other than liquid foods for 6 weeks and summer is a time where everyone has they're cook outs/bbq's and stuff. And I get....yogurt, or something. It's torture. I am craving pizza, asparagas rosotto, tacos, spaghetti, rice c.c arghhh *tummy growls* D:

Nevermind

Wooooo scratch that last post - the toppish part.

FUCK IT ALL. z.z (*$(*$&%(*#$&%($5



-.-

All's well

It's funny that I should be posting another blog so soon. But I need to jot down my feelings now while I'm still feeling them (that sounded silly..)
I finally got the courage to come out and ask my bf what those picture comments were about. After he told me, I felt slightly relieved but still really upset. But now, a few days after we talked about it, I feel a lot better. At least now I know why he did it and he was sorry - at least he understood how it made me feel.
Now....I need to talk with him again about other things ;.; we'll see if I can manage to get myself to speak up and talk with him about these things (no, I'm not sharing them with you guys, sorry.) He's been busy with something lately though, and it's been taking a lot of concentration and time and it sounds pretty stressful. I didn't talk to him a whole lot last week because of it, but after he's finished with it, I'll see him more and stuff :)
I plan to talk then, about the 'things'.
But yeah, a huge thank you to Lucas (TYSM!!) for helping me out and letting me vent my troubles. Your a awersome friend :)

On another note, I'm getting that jaw surgery on May 26th. It's coming up so fast and what's even coming up faster is school being over! I graduate May 28th....HAHAHA....I'll be in the hospital on my graduation. Oboy what fun. Anywho, I have a shit load of homework that NEEDS to be completed before May 26th since I wont be able to do it while I'm in the hospital.
Ooooooh this summer is going to be down right interesting, to say the least.

June....
I'll be 18....

I hate this feeling

I've no pictures or video to add to this blog. I tried a few times to get a post to post with a few pictures in it, and gave up in the end because it was soooo messed up after a while, it just didn't matter anymore.

I am fine by day, happy when it gets dark out, and then end up real sad when it gets late. I - Hate - That.
I have a boyfriend now, have had since April 7th (2010).
He wanted to keep the relationship between us, because ... well, he lives in Mass. and I live in Wisc. So we don't exactly live nearby. I see long distance relationships helpful, in a way that you learn more about a person online than you would in person. You have time to process what they say/do online easier than in person. But anyway, I'm really happy I finally have someone again and when I say happy, I mean, I'm happy.
He's one of the sweetest guys I know. He's helped me by ways I cannot explain clearly, to feel better about myself and open up more so I don't feel quite as self concious.
Him and his friends.
So, from when I go from fine to happy in the day, well - when I talk to him around 6ish-10ish, I'm really happy. Because I can finally talk to him and see what he's up to. I mean, we never say too much (probably my fault :/ I have trouble keeping conversation) but it's still good either way.
After he logs off to sleep and such, I get saddish. Obviously I want to talk to him more and I regret not getting myself to say more when he was online. But I quickly tell myself that I will talk to him tomorrow and I can think of more to talk about then! :)
FaceBook usually ruins the happy mood for me. I hate myself for being so damn jealous...
I check my friends walls on FB when I've nothing better to do, and I usually start with his page. Today, I found comments he left on pictures that made me so upset :( it's terrible. I don't think I should be feeling this way towards the comments, but I cannot help it!
I have, about 8 pictures on FB (I hate taking pictures of myself because of the fact I'm not pretty) and I only get a few comments here and there. If any at all.
Well, out of those pictures, I got 2 comments from him. Which is fine, I wont complain :) I'm happy with one. And they were just regular comments you know, like - one was about my eyes and then another was on a picture I actually smiled in...yeah anyway. Ahem.
But - I see he commented some other girls pictures too - several pictures. And he's saying stuff like she's so sexy and hott and :( stuff like that, and that pretty much killed me inside a bit.

I don't know if that's something I can handle. It's a silly thing to get worked up about, yes, but...if you were me, and you sawr your bf/gf posting comments like that on some other girl/guys photos, what would you think?
I think, in my other relationships before, I let myself get carried away by putting myself down infront of the guy and I know if I was him, I'd feel really awkward and probably know that the relationship was going to be too hard and not worth it in the end.
But I feel like shit now about how I look. I know I def. will NEVER look as good as the girl he commented pictures on. Not even close.

I want to crawl in a hole, and die there, now.

Focus on the now

I've been slowly falling behind in school and such, due to me slacking off! Gha! Don't you just hate when that happens. I think we can all agree though, that when your feeling extreamly stressed out and depressed, doing anything (esp. homework) is a huge challenge.
Well...I started to get caught up in this Health class I'm taking - and boy was I glad I did.
Guess what we're learning about.....go ahead.....guess....now......REALLY GUESS!!....
:D Stress relievers and how to get over depression and such. HA! How about that ^-^

Every time I get REALLY stressed out, my neck hurts like hell. I try to put heat on it, ice, everything. Nothing helps at all. So...after reading the lessons in Health and adding what I learned into my life, my neck pain is pretty much totally gone! Woooo!
I've gone 4 days now, with zero trace of stress/depression/anything. It's really...really, nice. There was just so much drama going on in my life for a while, that it was pretty much driving me insane.
It's all okay now though, for now anyway, heee. I feel accepted in this small group of friends (online, sadly - but it's still all good!) which is really nice for me. One of my bestest friends that I haven't talked to in a long while is around again ^-^ yey!
And...on top of it all, it's gotten WARMER!!! <3 Hello Spring ^D^ I misssseeedd you!

I've been bugging out lately, trying to find the perfect wing design for a tattoo I think I want on my hand. But I cannot for the life of me find one! I'm to the point where I really wish I could DRAW or I had a artsy friend that could draw one up for me! Gha.

This Summer...oooh this Summer. X)
So far...I think I'll be getting my surgery done (jaw) in a month or two from now...I'm not quite sure. Around June, a friend from England may be coming over for a visit...also in June ;.; I turn 18 geeeze! Thennnn, I really hope to go on a week long biking trip with the Mr as I did last year. Good times.
:)

To the Forgotten.

Things have been getting better than they were before.

Baby steps - Just take one day at a time.



I seem to be having so much trouble with guys lately. I must be a magnet for disrespectful guys I tell ya.

I am so glad I have good friends to help me get out of these crazy situation with these guys. If I didn't have them, I'd be in trouble no doubt.

I've got to teach myself to take a better stand and be more forceful, or something. If I don't, who knows how long I'll last in this crazy world.

I get into things like this, and people wonder why the hell I'm not open and don't trust easy. I've been through a lot - I'm sure it's not as bad as some people have had, but it's still pretty bad. Not everyone knows what has happened, and they don't need to.

I don't mind telling my life story anymore, but what does it matter, eh.

I wonder if I will ever be someones number one 'person' ever. I've always been at the bottom of every ones list...being left behind...standing in a group and it's like I'm invisible...I don't like it, and it really hurts, ya know, but I'm too silly to say or do anything because I don't want to be excluded from that group of people. Because even if I'm being ignored or something, at least I belong somewhere...



A friend of mine introduced me to http://www.last.fm/ last week.

Music <3

It's the only thing keeping me going right now. In the area I live in, the radio doesn't come in well, so this is nice - I can type in a Artist/Band for the radio on there and it plays songs that relate to the Artist/Band that I typed in.

Then, the songs save to your profile on last.fm.

Mine: www.last.fm/user/goddessnyx

Plus, no commercials like regular radio. Isn't that nice.



Snows melting. Spring birds are coming home. Warmer weather.

Hello Spring. I missed you.

Spent a good deal of time outside in the 50*F/8*C(I think) weather, man that was nice. I'm really excited for mid-spring now. I miss sitting outside and just listening to all the sounds and watching everything.

I swear I could sit outside for hours, just sitting there, and be perfectly happy about it.

It's nice living out in the country.

Summer should be even nicer...in a way.

I know that it's going to be a summer of pain, for me, probably. Due to a surgery I'm getting...but in the end, it will be okay.

It's not going to be such a great 18th birthday though I don't reckon...too bad. :/

Not that I would do much of anything anyway...no one to do anything with, no where to go...how depressing.



Not that it matters to you, right?

Guess I just sound like a Emo; complaining about everything. Sigh.

Give Yourself to Darkness

I really never actually gave much thought to how I would die. Really.
To be perfectly honest, I've thought of suicide plenty of times - thought of it seriously - since I was around 15 years old, give or take.

Today only have I really started to think of what way I would prefer to die...
I really don't want to die of old age. I can't even imagine myself living past the age of 25-30.
I cannot imagine myself happy!
What good is life when your depressed all the time? What good is it when there is only one time a week or a month, even, when you actually feel happy!?
I try and try to tell myself to enjoy the little things in life, and to live in the moment. But, try as I may, it never really works.

I'm broken, inside and out. And no one can fix me.

Hypothermia.
Curious. I wonder just how long it would take for you to actually die from hypothermia.
Icey cold, December weather. Freezing waters. No one around for miles.
You just need to get in for a few minutes, and get out. That's all it takes.
Then it starts.
The shivers that in time, become violent. Feeling dizzy, and staggering on your feet. Not able to think clearly.
Time passes, walking becomes nearly impossible and you just simply...shut down.
Your just going to rest a minute - to catch your breath. Maybe, just close your eyes, just a moment. Your so tired, but the shivering finally stopped, making it easier to relax and to close your eyes for a moment.
And...that's it.
It wouldn't be pleasant, but in the end, it would be peaceful enough.

I told myself there were things I wanted to do before I died. So many things ... they seem so impossible and far away now. Never going to be able to come true and it's something I'll never feel.

I don't like to cry.

Valentines Day

I really never have liked Valentines Day...
Reason being is, I've never had a reason to like it. I've been in 1 relationship that was over Valentines Day - but it was (of couse) a long-distance relationship and I hadn't heard from him in a while (due to him not having internet. *wips out pen, paper and envelope!* That's how we stayed in touch).
So, even then it was just about the same as any other Valentines Day.

It's pretty much just like any other day - but anywhere you go, theres an overwhelming amount of hearts and colors of pink and red all over the place....and chocolate. BAH!
Then (worst part) you get to see all the couples around, being extra lovey-dovey.
Anytime I see that though, it makes me feel really sad. I feel sooo alone - I worry about what I'm going to do with my life once I am able to move out on my own 'n such.
I know that I wont be able to live alone forever.
Just because I don't like people too much, doesn't mean I don't not like all people. I love my friends - and I like them.
I just keep wondering if I will ever find the right person for me, that actually lives BY ME!

Kaleb Nation on Youtube - made a video that's called "Valentines Day is stupid (when your single) MUSIC VIDEO"
True story - it is stupid when your single.
YUP!!! I-Am-Single. I fail at life sooo badly, ah well.

On the bright side - my internet kept failing on me yesterday and today - but it's working now. It's good to have an uncle around who is really good at fixing things!!
I also got some new books the other day. They are called "Night World" by L.J. Smith.
VAMPIRES! <3
But yea, I got number 1&2 for now. I have, so far, successfully refrained from reading them. Because I know if I start to read, and it's really good, I cannot get myself to stop - seriously. Even if I'm dead tired, I can't stop.
I've got to go to the hospital on Tuesday to get an injection of this ... dye stuff that will highlight bones in a certain area, that aren't done growing yet. So, I am going to bring the book with me then to read - because I guess I have to be there at 8 to get the injection and then wait till 11 to get the x-ray thing.
"OmG! Why are you getting this done!?"
I need jaw surgery - and the only way I can get it is if this one bone in my jaw is done growing - otherwise I have to wait it out ... and that could be years from now ... and then I would have to pay for it myself.
I really hope it's done now though, because the insurance my biological father has, will cover the $30,000 surgery.... (Yea, that was my reaction too).
So if I had to pay for that myself years from now....HA HA HA!!!

That's all for now, oh....Happy Pancake Day!

Steampunk

I'm still here, yea.

No - I am not feeling any better. Still quite depressed but not so bad today ... don't know why though. Perhaps it's because I didn't have any school work (Saturdays are awesome) and I stayed home instead of going to my cousins house for 7 hours or so, to do nothing but sit and think...thinking is bad for me, really.

I have killer neck pain though. I do know it's from being infront of my computer for long periods of time. But because I have laptops, I'm looking down slightly, which stresses my neck. I also think maybe it has to do with daily stress in my life. Don't know for sure.

I know a lot of people probably have it a lot harder than I do (life wise and school wise) but, everyone is different. Some people can deal with a lot of stuff, and not be the least bit stressed out about it. Others (such as myself) get stressed quite easily.

I haven't been sleeping well lately either, which puts a strain on me during the day.

Had a strange dream the other night too, which bothers me. I wont talk about it though, because I know people will find it a silly dream to worry over, but it makes me kinda sad.

Anyway...
Steampunk Keys (necklaces)....WOW. I love these necklaces - they are so bloody awesome.

I think, that once I get myself a job and start getting things done, I'll get one of these off the person that is making them. They are absolutelyamazing.

This person, on DeviantArt, called Drayok makes them. The one above is called "Moon Key" and then the one bellow is called "Time-Travel Key".

If I were to get one, it'd be one of these two I reckon.

They are really neat.
JUST thought I'd mention them...I have a new obsession with wings lately...maybe that's why I like them so much. Eh.

I've made a goal for myself, that I HOPE to Goddess that I can keep.

By this summer, I really want to get myself into ship-shape and slimmed down...WAY down.

I know people say I look fine, that I don't need to change myself just because I think other people wont accept me. It's not just that ... I HATE my body. I feel trapped in it and that's another reason why I think I'm down a lot ... I down myself for how I look.

I really just want to do this by this summer though, before the guy I like comes or I go by him ... I don't know. But he's been talking about coming to see me soon and it scares me because - if I don't like the way I look (not trying to make people say I look good or anything, I am serious...) what if he thinks the same way.

*#%)(@73-598273-985723-9867230958a0(*()#(&)$~!!!!

Maybe I'll set the goal for this spring....I need to get to work then.

But yea...I sometimes wonder if things will work out long enough to last till spring or summer, even. With him and I, I mean.

I understand he works during the day, and then sleeps and then personal things and more sleep. But, I haven't heard from him in nearly a week. I've finally decided I'm going to stop trying to talk to him and just wait for him to talk to me.

*mumbles*

I.Have.Issues.With.My.Life.

Lovely Bones

I don't think I've ever cried during a movie like this. Usually it's only when an animal dies or something like that (HUGE heart for animals) but ... I couldn't stop the tears.

I don't know what exactally it was about this movie, but it was beautiful.

Your only here for a moment, and then - your gone.

People always try to tell me to enjoy the little things in life. If we are here, living on earth, we mine as well enjoy it while we last. I think this movie helps to show that we all need to take in and really enjoy the little things, and that the world is beautiful. You just know how to look at it, I suppose.

It's also a leason of being cautious about things. Such as, the people in this world. Not everyone is going to be nice. Some people, will act it, but it's like it's a mask - to lure you into something and then ... your trapped. The sad part is, some people will do this just for self pleasure. They don't care what happens to you. It only takes one time, and it's over.

Quite sad...

I don't like my life. I don't like the hard things I deal with in life. It's hard ... and the world, to me, appears dark and unfriendly.

I know that trying to see the world as a beautiful place wont happen over night, or in a day, week, maybe not even a month. But I know, that if I work at it, I can see the world and everything else, better and more beautiful.

That doesn't go to say that it will be easy. I know I'll have my ups and my downs, but in the end, I want to achieve this ... before I go.

Who knows when that will be though. Life is here, and now - then it's over, and ... where do we go after that? What's the place like where we go?

I'm afraid of where I'll go. Why? I was brought up to believe in Heaven and Hell.

What if my lure to the Demonic things, leads me to Hell? What if my hesitance towards God, doesn't allow me the right to Heaven?

Do we actually go anywhere when we die? I'd like to think so.

Anyway - "The Lovely Bones" is a movie about a 14 year old girl, who is walking home from a meet of sorts, and is taking the usual short cut across a corn field, when her neighbor (a older man) stops her to see if she might take a look at something he's made.

{I wont go into detail}

But he kills her.

The movie tends to go back and forth, between the present and past and the inbetween.

A beautiful movie.

I don't think it's quite as good as Avatar ... but I am going to rank it one of my favorited seen movies of 2010.

I cheated and watched it on http://www.watch-movies-online.tv/ but it was still good.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

In other news, I finally got to talk to the guy I like today. For the first time in 3 days.

I'm sad that I don't get to talk to him more often, but ... such is life, I guess.

He's been planning out to come and see me. This news made my day, but it makes me really nervous all the same.

I've the same thoughts always running through my head when it comes to a friend of mine, from far away, wanting to come see me [for the first time!].

I am so afraid that he wont like me once he's met me.

I am a strong believer that, it doesn't take looks to have a relationship - and I tell this to people all the time. I personally, don't pay much notice to peoples appearance when it comes to that.

I really care about personality and such.

But when it comes to taking my own advice ... I don't see it so easily. How can I when I don't know if he thinks the same way, even if he says he does.

Silly.

This Feeling...

I hate the overwhelming feeling of loneliness that I get every so often...I was doing so good for the past few weeks, and all of a sudden...I feel so drained, of life and happiness that, it's killing me, inside.
I don't want this.
I don't like this.

I found love again, I think.
Of course, the sacrifice to this love is the distance. Why do I always find love at a distance? It sucks in a way.
You can't be close to eachother. Comfort eachother. Kiss?
Things I've never had before, are constantally in my face - taunting me; "Ha-Ha! You can't have this! Your not fortunate enough, too bad for you!"

...........

I'm certain a lot of people go through this but...why. It's terrible.
I'm not doing this for attention, why would I?
Something as serious as love and affection shouldn't be taken lightly, or messed with.
It's.....beautiful.


I went to the doctor a few days ago - for one of those lame check-ups that your insurance holders badger you about to do every so often.
So I went.
Honestly, I've never gone to the doctors alone - Been terribly afraid of them my whole life. It's the smell, and I worry about things that I cannot control.
But after being in the room, waiting for the doctor to come in, I felt totally at ease...I was amazed at how calm I felt.
But I was showered in that mmm'...lonely, empty feeling. Then I just, I felt like my soul left my body and I was just...there.
I didn't care anymore.
It bothered me though, that the doctor (male) was making me feel totally uncomfortable though. I felt like I was being 'examind' by a creepy older man, who was only interested in young girls.
The staring, the much unneeded touching, and the talk...why in the world do you need to know why I don't have friends in my area?
Why does it matter that I go to school online and not in the public school?
You don't know me...Don't ask me questions like you do...Certainly don't touch me like you do. Even though you are a doctor, you are pushing the limits to the line.

The whole check-up probably only took...15 minutes, at the most. But it felt longer ... and the whole while I was just thinking about this person, and how I desperately wished he was there.
Yea...He.

After checking to see if I was okay, physically, the doctor stared talking to me about my life and such.
I must say, I dislike it when people stare at me (people I don't know) and he did it...a lot. Due to my ... issue (?) with eyecontact ... I looked away the entire time, even to answer him.
I have issues, maybe this lonely feeling is just one of my issues.



What do we live for...Why.
No one can see the future, so how do you know what your living for...is going to happy, or continue to happen.
What's the point?