Wake Up.

As it's been a good many months since my last posting, and I've suddenly felt the overwhelming urge, to vent my feelings someplace where people wont openly mock me the whole day; I've decided to come back here...and express myself.

Back in July, 2009, I broke up with my boyfriend (now, ex.). Something I have never wanted to do in my life, was to fall in love and then fall out of love...
I blame the months of non-communication. I blame the distance, that was between us. I blame myself, for needing...more...
Is it really possible to be THAT selfish? Or...Is it not selfishness? I have no word for it other than that.
I now, find myself in a relationship again. After telling myself, countless times, that I would not go into a long distance relationship again. I cannot handle the distance, and what's worse, is the everyday life he lives - and I cannot be there to see what goes on in his life. The people. This drives me insane...

Already my mind is working against me. Telling me not to go through with this relationship. Why? It's hard...It's hard for me, and I don't think I'm strong enough to go through with this again. Not in this way...but everyone says, I can do it...just try it...things will work out in the end.
How can people be so sure, though?
How can they know if that's to happen? I feel lost within myself all the time. I ask myself, over and over again..."What's wrong with you...? Why can't you just...be slightly normal."
Normal is boring...over-rated. I don't want to be normal. But I want to at least fit in somewhere...
I find no one to take me in, and talk with me, hang out, and such. Not in my area anyway. All friends...all...people I know well, and they know me well, are way out of reach for me.
I hate distance, I hate it.

I'm split in two here ...

I've found, lately, that my Dreams are better than this Reality.
By far, my Dreams are better than any part of life I've lived thus far. I would be happier to stay asleep, for the rest of my days. Dreaming to my hearts content...
But...We all have to wake up eventually.

I'm not much good at writing...or venting...but, it's faster to type how I feel, rather than write it. And esp. where peering eyes wont see it much.
But I do hope...man I do hope, that life will do a 360 for me, and turn me on the right path, giving me a poke to go - and get a start.
I want nothing more than to be happy for the rest of my days, with someone I love and will love forever, and always.